i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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