The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize