For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
