I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
