she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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