I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
