Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
they're like a gay fantastic four
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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