my mouth tastes like poor choices
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
