go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
