the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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