Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's blow job season.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
