I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
They took my balls.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
