I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
His nipple licking is glorious
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