So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
