I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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