Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
