well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
