Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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