two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
