He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
