Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
