I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
