if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
