Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
