So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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