Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
