I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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