Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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