dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
