He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
