I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
