May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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