If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
