if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
