It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
