wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Someone came in the potted fern
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
