i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
