M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
