I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
