I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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