While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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