walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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