i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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