If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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