I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
