Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
