in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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