I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
