I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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