You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
