theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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